September 19, 2008

Two cicaks suffer horrible deaths, expensive imported Pop Tart wasted

ASI PRESS – Two middle-aged cicaks were found dead yesterday in a toaster in Southeast Asia in what officials are labeling a “gruesome, crispy accident.”

The discovery was made after the owner of the toaster, Anthony, an American who works and resides in Southeast Asia, was unable to retrieve a Pop Tarts brand apple strudel he was preparing for breakfast. “I knew something was wrong when the Pop Tart on the left side popped up with no problem at all, but the one on the right just stayed in there. I assumed it was a normal case of the Pop Tart sliding off the poppy-uppy metal bar on the bottom. Boy, was I wrong.”

Anthony made several failed attempts to retrieve the Pop Tart using two plastic spatulas. After being made fun of by his wife, he proceeded to turn the toaster up side down over a paper towel placed in the sink. “There were more raisins in there than I realized,” remembers Anthony, “and then finally my Pop Tart plopped out into the sink. Everything was fine until I causally looked into the toaster slot. That’s when my morning changed forever.”

What he discovered were the charred remains of two cicaks. Officials have yet to identify the bodies. “We tried to check the victims’ sticky pads against files in our database. Problem is, there is currently no database of cicak prints,” commented Captain Nick Batista of the Species Victims Unit. “Rest assured, the creation of a cicak database has now become priority number one in my department.”

The incident has left Anthony with more questions than answers. “Why didn’t I look before I stuck my Pop Tart in there? My hunger blinded me. You know what the saddest part is? Had my wife been making the Pop Tarts this morning, maybe the little guy would still be alive. She doesn’t toast her Pop Tarts; she eats them right out of the package. I know, crazy, right? Look, I understand if you’re on a trip or something. That’s fine. It’s hard to find toasters in the Smokey Mountains. Our toaster at home is like 2 steps from the cabinet! But God help me I love that woman.”

Cheek Pinkerton, a cicak who lives two drawers over from the toaster, had this to say about the accident: “Terrible. Simply heartbreaking. You hear incredible tales of survival all the time – my Uncle Stan has gone through 3 tails… three! Same kid every time. But this… you don’t drop tail and run from something like that. Poor guys had no chance, what with that huge monstrosity of a pastry on their heads and those torturous death coils all around. Oh well, circle of life I suppose.”

10 comments:

Roberts said...

Wow. Y'all are hilarious, and I laughed out loud at this. And I don't even know what a cicak is.

SouthAsiaRocks said...

ewww! haha! Great post!!

Cara said...

You guys are HILARIOUS!!

Brandon and April said...

Best. Blog. Ever.

marylou said...

sounds like just a little added protein with your poptart for breakfast! ok, sorry....how funny/sad ): somewhat disgusting lol......

Kellie said...

Possibly the best blog post I've ever read. I almost spit my tea onto my screen.

effe03 said...

That's so disgusting! But truly hilarious!! Did it smell bad? Ugh!

Elizabeth said...

I'm laughing at Heather's comment... "did it smell bad?" and wondering if it did? This was one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time... I love the "news report" format, and it's easy to see why there's never a dull moment in your home!

Laney said...

ya'll! this is the most hilarious thing ever! i mean really...that is true journalism right there!

C-Love said...

Great blog guys. I have to admit that since I work in front of a computer now, I don't take time to read your blog as regularly as I used to. Lane told me about this one and I had to check it out.

Instant classic.